Goodbye to a Dream

The time has come to say good bye to one of my dreams. Tomorrow I will turn 43 and with that it is time to say good bye to the hope of more kids. I really thought that I would fall in love again, get re-married and the "unexplained infertility" I had experienced before would be gone. Hannah would love to be a big sister at our house (she already is a big sister at dad's house). Over the past several years I have extended the age deadline for my dream to come true. First it was 38, then 40, then 43. I have a friend that just had her third child at 43. And the actress Marcia Cross recently had twins at 44. I would extend the deadline to 44, but the chances of falling in love, getting re-married and having a child between tomorrow and next March 23rd seem a bit impossible!

I loved being a new mom. Hannah was so small, so beautiful and so dependent on mom and dad. Everything about her was such a miracle from God. Her little fingers and toes amazed me. I used to hold her feet in my hands and kiss them all over and say "momma gonna kiss your feet." The baby stage was one of my favorite times with Hannah. I remember holding her and singing old southern gospel songs to her. I remember rocking her in my arms as I watched country music videos on CMT. She loved country music as a baby! I loved watching her grow and seeing her personality emerge. The baby stage is just for a moment and before you know it you have a curious toddler on your hands. Each stage passes so quickly. I recently heard the quote "the days are long but the years are quick", and it is so true. Today I have a beautiful 10 year old and it seems like just yesterday I was putting frilly headbands and bows in her hair. Being mom to Hannah is truly the most precious thing in my life. Oh how I have yearned for more!

Isaiah 55: 8-9 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts than your thoughts."

I have to admit, that as the old song and the Burger King slogan say, I want it my way! But His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. God knows the whole picture, the whole story. And tomorrow with the turning of another year, I place my beautiful dream of a bigger family into His hands. I don't know what the future holds, but I know the one who does and as sad as it is to say goodbye to this dream....I know in Him I can trust!