June in Pictures

The busy month of June will soon be over. We still have a few days of the month left, but I now know what that silly energizer bunny must feel like. We kept going and going and going!

We had dancing

And more dancing

A mini vacation

And lots of softball

And more!

June has been a whirlwind of a month, but we have enjoyed every minute of it! Look out July, we're headed your way!

She Spoke

I am on a plane headed home after the She Speaks Conference. Technology is amazing! I can't believe I am flying across the country typing out my blog post. Talk about a way to make time fly! Don't be alarmed by the date of the post because most likely I won't be able to actually post this until tomorrow (Monday).

The weekend had highs and lows as well as both laughter and tears. I'm not sure what my expectations were except that I wanted to learn, absorb everything from these amazing women, meet new people and most importantly I wanted to hear from God. I had heard this was a life changing event and I was ready to experience something life changing.

The first night was discouraging. My last session of the night was taught by a literary agent who vividly described the harsh realities of the publishing world. Although he sprinkled in some hope here and there, his message was bleak. I appreciate his honesty, but it was discouraging. After the discouraging words of the literary agent, I turned my hope to meeting and connecting with my roommate. I had imagined us connecting through the gazillion things we had in common and of course becoming forever friends. When I went to my room that first night I had not yet met my roommate. I had scanned the conference looking for name tags carrying her name but had not found her. When I reached my room she was ready for bed. We said our introductory hellos and both turned in for the night. I was discouraged to say the least. There would be no all night bonding session talking through all the things we had in common. I knelt beside the bed as tears streamed down my face and silently cried out to the Lord. Why am I here? I had felt so led to attend this conference, had I misinterpreted? I wondered if I had made a huge mistake.

Saturday morning was brighter. My roommate and I chatted as we readied ourselves for the day. Although we didn't have a lot in common, we shared good conversation. We had a wonderful breakfast together and I felt the heaviness of discouragement melt away. Encouragement shined on the day. I learned more than I ever imagined possible. The writing sessions were all rich with information, advice and most of all, hope.

Unfortunately I struggled with a headache both Friday and Saturday. The employees in the gift shop had to wonder why I kept purchasing more medicine! I tried Sudafed, DayQuill and finally Excedrin Sinus Headache took the pain away! On Saturday night, the amazing day of absorbing everything I could, was capped off by one of the most powerful messages I think I have ever heard. Renee Swope gave the message entitled "Beyond the Shadow of Doubt". Her words spoke straight to my heart. I struggle with doubt and that is exactly what Friday had been about....doubt! God did lead me here, God does have a plan and I am humbled to be a part of it. God can do the impossible if I'll just surrender to His will! The evening concluded with an invitation to come bear our struggles at the cross. As I stood there during the invitation time, my eyes wandered across the room. I saw women hugging and loving on each other; crying together and praying together. I longed to reach out to someone, but that is just not my personality. I stood there wondering why I can't connect. It seems that some women are so comfortable with strangers. They can instantly bond and share an intimate connection so quickly. I can not. God didn't make me that way. I stood there hoping someone would come up to me, but they didn't. I had met a lot of special women including many of the great bloggers I read on a daily basis, but this evening concluded with just me and my Lord...connecting with Him. The weekend was a roller coaster of emotion.

Sunday morning was awesome. The message again spoke directly to my heart, and the service ended with us sharing communion together. God's presence was undeniable and my heart was once again flooded with emotion. One of my favorite things was the promises we each picked up at the cross. The Proverbs 31 team had put specific scriptural promises on cards and laid them at the foot of wooden crosses. I picked mine up on Sunday morning and believe that this specific verse was given to me by God. I left the conference encouraged, strengthened and excited about the future.

Thank you to all the wonderful women at Proverbs 31 Ministries. She Speaks is an amazing thing!

Embarking on An Adventure...She Speaks

I can hardly believe that the She Speaks conference is in just a few days. Over the past few months since I registered for the conference I have been filled with such excitement. I have read many blogs from past attendees and the sentiment seems the same...."this is a life changing event". I am ready for something life changing!

Before this past February I had never heard of the She Speaks conference or Proverbs 31 Ministries. One of my resolutions for the new year was to start writing. Friends encouraged me to start writing a blog to strengthen my writing skills. In addition to starting a blog, I believed God had given me an idea for a book. Of course, I didn't know the first thing about writing a book, so I picked up some of the books from my shelves and studied how they were put together.

I picked up one of my many "single" books. I own almost every book written on the subject of singleness..books with titles like Single and Sassy, Single and Satisfied, If Singleness is a gift, what is the return policy and my favorite, titled I've kissed a lot of frogs but my Prince still hasn't come. I looked at how the writer arranged the table of contents, the number of chapters and the total number of pages in the book. On the back cover of one of the books was an endorsement by an author named Lysa Terkeurst. I wondered about this person name Lysa. Who was she? What had she written? So I did what I do....I googled her! The google search introduced me to Lysa, the Proverbs 31 Ministries and Lysa's blog. I started reading Lysa's blog every day. Through her blog Lysa mentioned the upcoming registration for the She Speaks conference, but I didn't think much of it at the time. But, then it seemed She Speaks kept popping up everywhere! I began praying about attending and here I am just a few days before I pack my writing dreams and fly to North Carolina.

But as the time nears for this life changing event, my excitement has been tempered with fear. My mind has been filled with whispers of doubt. Who am I to attend a writers conference? Do I really think God can use my writing? And then just as my fears started to settle in and stay for a while God sent a new friend and an email.

The email was from someone on the Proverbs 31 team about her first She Speaks conference and how her excitement had turned to fear. This email was written for me! This woman doesn't know me, yet she felt God leading her to share her experience. The email was truly a God send! In addition to the email, God sent a friend. I have met a wonderful woman named Kelley from my home town who is also attending the conference. We met for lunch yesterday and now I can no longer say I don't know anyone! Be sure to visit her blog!

Me and my new friend!

Somebody's Jerry

This past weekend I watched the movie "P.S. I Love You". For those of you that haven't seen this movie, it is one of those must have a box of kleenex sitting next to you movies. I cried and laughed, sometimes within the same breath, which by the way makes a very interesting sound come out of your nose. I digress.

At one point in the movie Daniel, played by Harry Connick Jr, is revealing his true feelings to Holly, played by Hillary Swank. Holly is really not interested in Daniel because she is still grieving the death of her husband Jerry. Holly is still held by the grips of grief and is truly in the midst of the healing process. She is clinging to and idolizing the love she shared with Jerry. Sitting in a busy restaurant together, Daniel is faced with the fact that Holly doesn't share his feelings. He asked her if she thought she would ever find love again and she really couldn't answer him. The next line Daniel delivered to Holly pierced my heart and released a river of tears that probably had little to do with the movie. He told Holly that he wanted to be "somebody's jerry". Oh dear friends, I know exactly what he meant!

I have said that very line to myself! Immediately following my divorce I remember wishing somebody loved me the way it seemed my ex-husband loved his new girlfriend. He obviously loved her so intensely that he was willing to sacrifice his family. Of course, with hindsight what it is, his girlfriend probably had the same feelings about me. After all, I was the one that carried his name and shared his daughter. But in the throws of emotion I wished I could be "somebody's (insert name)". I cried out to God asking why can't I be loved?

Several years later I was dating someone who was newly divorced. I truly believed God had brought us together, but he, like Holly in the movie, was clinging to and idolizing the love he shared with his ex-wife. But unlike the movie, death had not separated this union and he held to the hope of reconciliation. Oh, how I wished I could be "somebody's (insert name)". I once again cried out to God asking why can't I be loved?

I would love to end this post by telling you that God has brought that special love into my life and I am now "somebody's krista". Or, I wish I could tell you that because of His love, I am content and no longer pine for such a love. After all, I am loved so much by my Savior that he gave His life for me....now that is what I call love....agape style! But even knowing that I am loved by the God of the universe, the creator of all things, my hope for an earthly love hasn't been erased or removed. Oh, please don't misunderstand; I am in awe of God's love, grace and mercy. And, let me tell you He has poured out more grace and mercy to me than I can even fathom. Being single isn't a curse, and it isn't a death sentence. And if I am single for the rest of my life, I will thank Him for my singleness. As I cried through the end of the movie, I recalled my life verse Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. My God who loves me has a plan for me! But what about the next verses? Verses 12 and 13 tell us "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart".

So, today I rejoice that God has a plan and I'm in it! And I will call upon Him and seek Him with all my heart. Today I know that if I am never "somebody's krista" here on earth, the One that matters knows my name and because of Him I can look forward to an eternity of His love.

Father God,
I praise you and thank you today for exactly where you have me! Help me to be content in my circumstances. Help me to take my eyes off myself and seek you with all my heart. My trust is in you. Thank you for your overflowing grace and mercy. I am so grateful you call me your own.
In your Son's name I pray,
Amen

Don't Blink

June is a busy month. So busy in fact, I can hardly breathe from the stress of it all. Hannah has softball and dance that are now overlapping. By the end of June we will have had dance recital, vacation bible school, church directory pictures, softball pictures, dance tryouts for next year and brunch for Father's Day. Plus, let's not forget the many out of town trips in June. Hannah is going on a trip with her grandparents, I have a business trip scheduled, plus the She Speaks conference and a four day trip for Hannah's final dance competition....all in June. We have 4 dance shows, one dance competition, two days of tryouts, and 7 softball games. To get everything accomplished my very very very generous parents are helping me (yes, they read this blog, so I thought I would add a couple more "verys" as I am so grateful for their help!).

Last night I actually had trouble sleeping just thinking of all the things happening in June and the now overwhelming fear I will forget something. Yes, I have it all down on a calendar, but that doesn't mean I won't just up and forget something. A couple of years ago I forgot to take Hannah to picture day at the dance studio. That year, the day for dance pictures fell on visitation with her dad. I switched weekends just for picture day and in the midst of that Saturday afternoon I realized I had just completely forgotten about pictures. Of course shortly after picture day the dance studio chose Hannah's class picture to hang in the lobby. Every time I entered the dance studio for the next year I saw that picture...the one that was so blatantly missing my daughter.

I was so anxious this morning that I started telling myself June will be over before you know it. I just need to get through June and the schedule will ease up a bit. I realized I was hoping for time to pass quickly. Oh no, no no no. I do not want time to move quickly. I want to savor every moment because time moves too quickly on its own. I want to enjoy watching her play softball. When she gets up to bat, my heart starts beating fast and then she whacks that ball and my heart soars with her as she runs toward first base. I want to freeze time when I watch her dance. When the music starts and she hip hops to the beat my heart melts. It seems like just yesterday she was starting kindergarten and now she is entering the fifth grade. Times moves so fast with no help from us.

June is a busy month. A month to stop and enjoy each unique moment that we will never again own. Like the Kenny Chesney songs says....don't blink!

I turned on the evening news

Saw a old man being interviewed

Turning a hundred and two today

Asked him what's the secret to life

He looked up from his old pipe

Laughed and said All I can say is.

Don't blink

Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you

Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink

You just might miss your babies growing like mine did

Turning into moms and dads, next thing you know your "better half"

Of fifty years is there in bed

And you're praying God takes you instead

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

So don't blink

I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said

Best start putting first things first.

Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand

You can't flip it over and start again

Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

Don't blink

Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you

Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink

You just might miss your babies growing like mine did

Turning into moms and dads, next thing you know your "better half"

Of fifty years is there in bed

And you're praying God takes you instead

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

So don't blink

So I've been tryin' ta slow it down

I've been tryin' to take it in

In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink

So Don't blink

Naw, don't blink, don't blink

Life Goes Faster Than You Think

Don't Blink...

Useless?

This past Christmas season as I was watching the television special "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" I realized I feel a strange kinship with the misfit characters. Do you ever feel out of place, like you just don't fit? As a single mom in my forties I have often struggled with finding a place to fit. I am no longer a part of a couple, yet with all my mom duties I don't really feel all that single. Finding a Sunday School class has been a challenge. I don't fit in with the couples, although my lifestyle is similar. I don't fit in with the singles, although I am in fact single. My "single again" status often has me feeling like a misfit, just like Rudolph and his misfit friends. The truth is that being single again is mis-fitted, after all God's plan for marriage doesn't include divorce.

Well, here I am living on Misfit Island. Am I destined to live like this forever? Can God possibly use a divorced woman? Am I just completely useless to God now? God's word tells me that I am not useless. I can be used! The story of the Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at the well is a beautiful illustration of how God can use even a divorced woman in a mighty way.

We aren't told of her name, just that she is a Samaritan woman who has come to draw water from the well. Her nationality is significant because Jews did not associate with Samaritans. Jesus was tired and had taken rest next to Jacob's well. When the Samaritan woman came near, Jesus immediately struck up a conversation with her asking her for a drink of water. She answered him by pointing out that she was a Samaritan and he was a Jew. How could he ask her for water? Jesus responded by telling her that if she only knew who she was talking with she would have asked for the "living water" that only He could give.

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water." He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back." "I have no husband," she replied. Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." (John 4:13-18)

The woman at the well knew she was talking with the Messiah. She was so excited to share the "living water" she had just received that she left her water jar and ran back to town to tell everyone about Jesus.

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, "He told me everything I ever did." So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers. They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world." (John 4:39-42)

Wow! Almost the whole town believed because of someone's testimony. Not the testimony of one of the religious leaders or educated scholars, but the testimony of a divorced woman who had been divorced five times and was now living with another man! Talk about a misfit! If God can use the Samaritan woman, I know He can use me! But how can I be used?

For years I have had the desire to write, but in the last few months that desire has grown and I have felt God leading me to write more. I believe God can and has used my writing, but the enemy has come on full force! I hear whispers of "do you know how many writers can write better than you", "that book idea you have has already been written, why even try" or "there are so many writers trying to make it, why would anyone want to read anything from you". These whispers can be loud at times but through prayer I will overcome and I will write. I don't know how God will use my writing, but today I know He has given me a desire. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me!

Next month I am attending the She Speaks Conference through Proverbs 31 Ministries. This is a conference specifically designed to help new writers and speakers. I am really excited about meeting new people and learning more about the world of publishing. I pray that God will use this conference in my life and that He will be glorified through even a misfit like me!

More Morning Conversation

Thursday night we had horrible storms. These were scary storms with all the bells and whistles; thunder, lightning, hail, strong winds and even tornadoes. Sirens sounded and Hannah and I headed to the basement. I wish I had a finished basement with a TV! Hannah and I sat on the steps of the basement so we could still hear the TV, and, because there are bugs down there! As we sat there listening to the sirens and the ominous sound of hail hitting our house, we prayed. We asked God to be with us and keep us safe. The storms came and went and came again several times through the night. Around 2:00 in the morning, Hannah was sound asleep, but I was awake listening to the sound of powerful winds pound against my house. I was scared.

When we woke on Friday morning around 6:00 a.m. the storms had all passed. I surveyed the house, the yard, the neighborhood and saw no signs of any damage. Watching the morning news it became clear that not all areas of the city had been so fortunate. Homes and businesses were completely destroyed. Power was out in whole sections of the city. The storm had left its mark. And we were untouched.

As we began getting ready for the day, Hannah commented about how scary the storms had been. I reminded her that we had prayed and God had kept us safe. She, in her 10 years of wisdom, calmly asked "why did He keep us safe, but not others?" Wow, that is a good question. My mind raced and I thought to myself, "why in the world does she pick the mornings to have these types of conversations." I can not express enough, I am NOT a morning person! "Well, Hannah," I said "I don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that we live in a sinful world where bad things happen. We won't know all the whys until we get to heaven and ask, but I imagine we will be in such awe of God's mighty power and glory we may not care to ask all the whys." I went on, because again, that is what I tend to do, and explained that when we pray God has promised that He will hear us and He will answer us. But His answer might not always be what we want. God answers with yes, no, or not now. She took this in, pondered it a bit and said "when I get to heaven I'm going to ask Him lots of things".

And so we finished getting ready and off to work and school we went with the birds singing a lovely tune as we started our day....yeah, right! Deep waters kept a comin'. She continued the deep conversation by declaring that there must be a lot of people in heaven because someone dies every two minutes and someone is born every two minutes. I have no idea where she got this statistic or if it is accurate. I reminded her that not everyone goes to heaven when they die, but only those with a personal relationship with Jesus will go to heaven. I told her that Jesus said "I am the way, and the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father except through me". And that Jesus said "small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." I went on explaining that the world wants to believe there are lots of ways to heaven. But the truth is that there is only one way to heaven and that is through God's son. We ended our conversation with a prayer, thanking God for keeping us safe through the storms and for His son Jesus who paid our price on the cross.

I think I handled this one fairly well. I may have had a couple of words incorrect when I was quoting scripture and I didn't know the references, but the points were made. And then as the day went on and I thought about all we had discussed my mind was filled with doubt. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to "train up a child in the way he should go". How, I ask? I do not feel qualified for this job. I didn't go to seminary. I don't have enough scripture memorized. I haven't even taught a Sunday School class. Who am I to teach her about God? As the doubt flooded in, God reminded me of all the unlikely people he has used. David was nothing more than a shepherd boy. Moses even argued with God and said He should use someone else, but God used Moses in mighty ways. The apostle Paul had persecuted God's people, but God used him in ways that Paul could have never imagined. And then there are the many stories of mothers that God used. Mary was the most unlikely candidate. She was young and unmarried. Yet, God chose her to carry His son, the one that would come to save the world. I don't need to go to seminary to teach my child about God, I just need to be the vessel and let God work through me.